Coercive control isn’t always easy to see. It doesn’t always show up as physical violence, shouting, or visible bruises. For many women aged 35 to 50 – often juggling careers, households, children, and relationships – it can creep in slowly and subtly, disguised as concern, love, or even protection.
But coercive control is no less damaging. It’s a pattern of behaviour where one partner seeks to dominate the other through manipulation, isolation, intimidation, or restriction. Over time, it can leave you questioning your decisions, your freedom, and even your sense of self.
At Gestalt Encounters, we work with women who are navigating these exact dynamics – many of whom didn’t realise the extent of the control until they were deep within it. In this article, we’ll explore what coercive control looks like, how to recognise the red flags, and how relationship counselling can support you in reconnecting with your inner strength and reclaiming your autonomy.
What is Coercive Control?
Coercive control is a form of emotional and psychological abuse. It involves a pattern of behaviours designed to make you dependent, undermine your confidence, and restrict your freedom. It’s about power – and how it’s used to chip away at your sense of independence.
It can happen in any kind of relationship, and often escalates gradually. Many women in midlife find themselves caught in this cycle – especially when traditional roles, parenting responsibilities, financial dependency, or a long shared history make it harder to spot or challenge.
Signs You May Be Experiencing Coercive Control
You might be experiencing coercive control if:
You feel like you’re constantly walking on eggshells. You carefully consider what to say or do to avoid upsetting your partner.
Your partner monitors your movements, messages, or online activity. They might check your phone, track your location, or demand to know where you are and who you’re with.
You’ve become isolated from friends, family, or support systems. They may discourage your relationships with others, or guilt you for spending time outside the home.
They control your finances. You may have limited or no access to money, or need to justify every expense.
They make you feel like you’re going crazy. Through gaslighting, they deny events, shift blame, or question your memory to undermine your confidence.
You’ve lost a sense of who you are. You no longer feel free to express yourself, make independent choices, or pursue your interests.
You’re constantly doubting yourself. You’ve internalised their criticisms, and your self-esteem has taken a hit.
It’s important to note: You do not need to experience all of these to be in a coercively controlled relationship. Even subtle signs are valid and worth exploring.
Why It’s So Hard to Recognise
Women aged 35–50 often carry the load of maintaining family harmony. You may excuse your partner’s behaviour as “just how they are,” or believe that if you just try harder, things will improve. Many women also minimise the situation because there’s no physical violence involved — but emotional and psychological control can be just as harmful.
Social and cultural conditioning can also play a role. You might be praised for being selfless, accommodating, or ‘keeping the peace,’ even when it’s at your own expense.
What You Can Do
1. Trust your instincts
If something feels off, it probably is. If you’re regularly feeling anxious, diminished, or uncertain in your relationship, give yourself permission to explore those feelings.
2. Document your experiences
Keep a private journal or record of concerning behaviours. This can help validate your reality and be useful if you ever need to seek further support.
3. Reach out to a trusted friend or counsellor
Isolation is a key tool of coercive control. Reconnecting with someone outside the relationship can provide perspective, validation, and clarity.
4. Learn about your rights
Coercive control is now legally recognised as a form of domestic abuse in parts of Australia. You have the right to feel safe, heard, and free in your own life.
5. Don’t wait for a crisis
It doesn’t have to get “worse” before you seek help. Early intervention can be transformative.
How Counselling Can Help
At Gestalt Encounters, our approach to relationship counselling is grounded in empathy, clarity, and empowerment. Here’s how we support women experiencing coercive control:
1. We help you name and understand what’s happening
Through gentle, collaborative sessions, we help you identify patterns of control and unpack the emotional impact they’ve had on your wellbeing and identity.
2. We reconnect you with your voice and values
Gestalt therapy centres around awareness — helping you tune back into your feelings, boundaries, and needs. This is essential in reclaiming agency in your relationship and life.
3. We explore safe pathways forward
You don’t have to make big decisions straight away. Counselling helps you weigh options, consider your safety, and make choices that align with your truth.
4. We support healing and recovery
Even after leaving a coercive relationship, the emotional wounds can linger. Therapy offers a space to process, grieve, and rebuild your self-worth.
5. We support couples too — when appropriate
In some cases, both partners attend counselling to address unhealthy dynamics. However, this is only suitable when safety, respect, and willingness to change are present. Your wellbeing comes first.
Recognising coercive control is not easy – especially when you’ve been taught to minimise your needs or keep the peace. But your feelings are real. Your instincts are valid. And you don’t have to navigate this alone. Whether you’re looking for clarity, support, or a safe place to be heard, Gestalt Encounters is here to walk with you – not push you – as you find your way forward.
You deserve a relationship where you feel free, not fearful. Seen, not silenced. Whole, not diminished. If you’re ready to take the first step toward change, reach out to us today.