Children bring joy, chaos, wonder, and exhaustion. For many couples, especially those navigating the demands of parenthood, life begins to revolve around the kids – school lunches, sports, tantrums, homework, teenage angst, bedtime battles. Somewhere in all of this, the relationship that once held everything together gets put on the back burner.
The phrase “It’s all about the kids” becomes a quiet resignation. Conversations become logistical. Intimacy becomes rare. Connection becomes something remembered, rather than felt.
At Gestalt Encounters, we meet many couples who feel like co-managers of a household rather than partners in love. This article explores why parenthood can strain romantic connection, how to tell when your relationship needs attention, and how counselling can help you rediscover each other – not in spite of the kids, but for their sake too.
Why Parenting Can Strain Your Relationship
1. Time disappears
The sheer busyness of raising children leaves little time (or energy) for quality couple time. Between work, cooking, cleaning, and parenting, there’s rarely a moment to pause – let alone connect.
2. Identity shifts
Becoming “Mum” or “Dad” can unintentionally overshadow being a partner. You might find yourselves consumed by parenting roles, and forget what it felt like to be lovers, adventurers, or friends.
3. Communication becomes transactional
The majority of daily conversations may revolve around school pickups, schedules, and who’s doing what. Emotional check-ins and deeper conversations often fall by the wayside.
4. Resentment builds quietly
When needs go unmet, small frustrations compound. One partner may feel unsupported; the other, unappreciated. Without space to process these feelings, resentment grows in silence.
5. Intimacy fades
Physical and emotional intimacy can wane, not just due to exhaustion but because disconnection becomes the default. Without effort, couples begin to drift.
What to Consider When You’re Feeling Disconnected
If your relationship feels like it’s on autopilot, here are some important questions to ask yourself:
When was the last time we had a conversation that wasn’t about the kids?
Do I feel emotionally seen and heard by my partner?
Do we still share joy, laughter, or affection?
Are we parenting as a team, or in parallel?
If our children weren’t in the picture for a moment, would we still know how to connect?
These questions aren’t meant to induce guilt – they’re meant to illuminate areas where love and attention are needed.
Practical Advice to Reclaim Your Connection
1. Schedule couple time like you do school drop-offs
If it’s not in the calendar, it doesn’t happen. Commit to weekly “us” time, even if it’s just a walk after dinner, a glass of wine once the kids are asleep, or 30 minutes without devices.
2. Share the emotional load
Invisible labour – the mental to-do list – often falls on one partner more than the other. Talk about the mental load and find ways to distribute it fairly. Feeling emotionally supported strengthens connection.
3. Relearn each other
Your lives have changed. So have you. Ask each other meaningful questions. What excites you lately? What do you miss? What are you proud of? Curiosity reawakens intimacy.
4. Create rituals of connection
A goodbye kiss, a shared coffee in the morning, Sunday night check-ins – small rituals create rhythm and closeness, even in a chaotic home.
5. Say what you need
Many couples expect their partner to “just know” what they want. Be explicit and kind. “I miss cuddling” or “I’d love more time just with you” is more effective than withdrawing or waiting.
6. Talk in front of your kids (about non-kid things)
Children benefit from seeing their parents connect beyond the parenting role. Modelling a strong, communicative relationship teaches them what healthy connection looks like.
How Relationship Counselling Can Help
You don’t need to be in crisis to seek help. Counselling is an investment in your relationship – in rediscovering the partnership that made you a family in the first place.
1. It provides a space just for you
In the therapy room, you’re not just parents – you’re two people who matter, who are worthy of time and attention. That space can be a powerful reminder of who you are outside of your roles.
2. It helps you communicate more deeply
You’ll learn to speak with vulnerability, listen with empathy, and break out of habitual patterns. Therapy invites honesty – not as a confrontation, but as a path to connection.
3. It uncovers and heals unseen tensions
Behind every repeated argument is a deeper story – about feeling unseen, unheard, or unsupported. Gestalt therapy gently surfaces those patterns so they can be transformed, not recycled.
4. It strengthens the parenting team
A strong relationship doesn’t just benefit you – it models healthy dynamics for your children. Seeing their parents love, grow, and navigate conflict with care is a gift they’ll carry into their own lives.
5. It helps couples reignite desire and intimacy
Desire doesn’t fade with time – it fades with disconnection. In counselling, we explore what intimacy means for each of you now, and how to reintroduce playfulness and affection into daily life.
Parenting is one of life’s greatest challenges – and one of the most demanding. But when couples say “It’s all about the kids,” we gently remind them: the kids thrive when the relationship does too.
Your connection matters. Not just for your happiness, but for the emotional health of your whole family.
At Gestalt Encounters, we help couples slow down, speak truthfully, and find each other again in the midst of life’s noise. If you’re feeling like ships passing in the night, we’re here to help you anchor back into each other.
You don’t need to wait until the nest is empty to feel close again. Let’s make space for your relationship – right here, right now.